You hear it all the time – “She wears her heart on her sleeve.” I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Actually, I think it’s a pretty cool thing… that someone allows their inner feelings to be seen to those all around. Most people will hide or stifle their feelings; causing emotional problems that become too large to deal with. This too, in turn can destroy lives and relationships. So perhaps wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good way to deal with your problems so one doesn’t get emotionally destroyed. What do I know?! – I’m not a psychiatrist! Haha!
You’re walking through the hall at church, at the store, or at work and you pass someone you know. The usual “Hi! How are you?” seems to be the friendly greeting. (And that’s not a bad thing.) But do they really want to know how you are? Besides, in just passing, who really has the time (or wants to stop) to hear about how you are? God forbid you might have a problem, and that person surely doesn’t know how to help you, or may not really have the time to listen, or worse – not even care. So our normal response back is “Hey! Great! How are you?” Still walking, but now turning your head back because you’ve already passed one another (thinking to yourself, whew, I got past that one!). Heck, sometimes I am that person who doesn’t want to know! (Sorry, just being truthful and wearing my heart on my sleeve.) But most of the time, I just want to cry out – be the one to answer! I may just need a friendly smile and a reply “I understand,” from someone without really somehow not giving away that my heart is just aching with so much pain, and at any moment I’m about to have waterfalls on my face. Sometimes just saying what’s hurting my heart seems to make me feel better. I don’t want to be pitied, and I hope you will not judge me! Please know that.
Now, let’s see if I can delicately wear my heart on my sleeve for a moment, and share my hurts. Okay, you can stop reading now if you are the person that just wants to pass by and hope that I just answer “Hey! Great! How are you?” :) And by no means am I trying to attack anyone or point fingers of blame as to why my heart hurts about certain things, or write a “poor Kel” thing here. Just letting it out so I can feel better. If you want to read on, feel free. If you want to stop here, that’s okay! That’s the beauty of the whole blog thing. 
I had, what I thought was the most special bond with someone very important in my life. We always had this agreement that things would never change in our lives – the relationship we had – no matter who else was added into our little world with us. I feel as though that has changed, and that special individual whom I love so very much has drifted away from me. But, sadly that individual has taken other people who are so precious to me with them. There is such a huge, empty spot in my heart that never ceases to weep. And nothing else can replace it, or fill it. And yes, I’m angry and want to blame someone for hurting me! I think the hardest part for me is to know that I can’t change a thing – I have no control over the other person and people involved. I can only pray about it and ask God to heal my hurt and bring those people back into my life because they want to be in it. This is only one example of what’s making my heart so sad right now. Another person who is dear to me has made it pretty clear that I’m really not important to them. I just feel like all my love and devotion was thrown back into my face, with a laugh! Ouch. I need a big band-aid.
Why is it that the people we are supposed to mean the most to hurt us? Why do they take us for granted? Why do they not care or even consider how they hurt our hearts? Sometimes I feel like the only one that doesn’t fit in…. ANYWHERE! These, by the way are just rhetorical questions. Answering them would be a waste of your time because I get it.
I’ve really worked hard on changing some of my ways. I try not to be controlling – that was a really bad habit I had. And actually, it’s more of a personality trait, rather than a habit. I try not to talk over people when they talk – I think I’ve gotten better about that, but there’s still lots of room for improve (thank you for bearing with me). I guess the point is I try to be aware of how I treat people. Though, sometimes I just have to walk away and not make the first move anymore just to protect my heart. I hate the feeling of being somewhere knowing I am not welcomed or wanted there. But it’s more of an obligation that they have me there. I’d rather just not be there. It’s such a humiliating and esteem-killing thing. It’s just the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I try so hard to hold it all in.
So how do I make my heart not hurt when these things creep into my daily living? I don’t know, really. Let’s see… first I’m aggravated and tend to be short with the ones who don’t deserve it! Not good! Next, I cry. Yep, I mess up the make-up that took me 20 minutes to attempt to perfect, and gunk up my contacts. Not to mention the next day have the puffiest, hurting eyes that are so noticeable! Then poor Keith has to hear me cry about it. That man deserves the biggest medal, and many wonderful blessings to endure me! Then I shut myself off from everyone – even the ones who really do care how I am when they ask! I also try to keep myself completely occupied so that my brain doesn’t have the chance to remember that I’m sad about something. And then I stay up as late as I possibly can so that when I do finally go to sleep I’m too tired to lay there allowing the thoughts keep me awake. Oh Jesus is just standing right in front of my face just trying to get my attention, but I look around Him because I certainly don’t feel worthy of His love. Plus, I’m embarrassed at this point that I didn’t go to Him first! I know He forgives me. I ask Him to work on me, and He gladly wants to. Talk about a peace coming over one’s heart!
But when I decide I can’t take it anymore and need Him, I let Him know I’m ready for His patient love that he has for me. As I allow Him to finally embrace me, I remind myself that there is a Heavenly Father that cares about my heart, and loves me so unconditionally! This makes me get mad at myself for allowing my hurt to get me as far as it did prior to going to Him in prayer to begin with! Yep – I am stubborn. Another “Not good!” Sometimes I just need to cry. That’s all. I would like to think that my heart is hard – shielded against earthly hurt. But that’s not the case at all. Duh, right?!
I try to find Bible verses to be that band-aid that I need. Of course, the Bible (Jesus) never fails me! Humbly I cry to Him and ask for His forgiveness for my behavior, and thank Him for His everlasting love for me.
Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
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Hebrews 12:15 – “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled”
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Romans 5:3-5 – “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us – they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
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I am so incredibly blessed with all the people in my life who take time out of their busy day to send me a little greeting via text, email, facebook, phone call, mail, those who pray for me, etc. You all have no idea how much that means to me! I am so forever grateful that God put you into my life. :) Thank you for not judging me and for giving me the tough love that I need. Thank you for your friendship and love. Thank you for your kind words and hugs. Thank you for being who you are. “Thank you” cannot express my sincere gratitude!
You know what? I started this blog with a heavy, hurt heart and tears running down my cheeks. Now my heart is at peace and my eyes are now dry. Isn’t it amazing how things work out? I know what you’re saying (because I’m getting ready to type it) – God is so good! :)
Please, know that you can wear your heart on your sleeve when you are with me anytime and always! I insist, because I truly love you!
May God bless your eyes…
