You know, I’m really just a dumb girl. You might think I have it all together, but I think I’m pretty good at covering it up most of the time. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I didn’t have a heart sometimes, or at least a heart that gets so darned attached. Because it hurts a lot. Talk about running away from things – I think you’re looking at a pro at that right now.
I’m the type of person who cares so much about people in my life. Sometimes I care more than the other person does…. that’s just a natural thing that happens to everyone. So I’m not singling myself out. But I wish I knew how to turn that off sometimes. Does that make sense? I try to turn it off, but I’m never successful at it. I suppose I could self medicate with drugs or alcohol, but that’s just not my style. I just let myself suffer through it. Cry? Yep. Get angry? Typically at myself. Wanna hide myself from the world? Uh huh. Oh, I try to talk myself out of “caring” so much, but it hasn’t worked yet, and I’m venturing to say it will never work (knowing me!).
One of the things I do now is put a guard up. I think it comes naturally, really. I put myself in situations where I get hurt… I’m not blaming the people who hurt me. Because lets face it, they can’t hurt me… I allow them to hurt me. So essentially I’m hurting myself.
Why am I typing this stupid “dumb girl” blog? Not a pity-party – get that outta your head. Rather, by putting my words down I think it helps me feel better. And I don’t want any “oh Kel, I’m so sorry… blah blah blah” comments – because I’m not looking for that. Perhaps I will figure out by the time I’m done writing this what I’m really trying to accomplish.
I am a very weak person. I mean, I have a high tolerance of physical pain, but when it comes to my heart, oh it is so weak. I suppose I could stem it from my childhood – whatever! No! It’s just who I am. I am unique. This is how God made me! None of us are identical.
I am very selfish. I want what I want (which, really isn’t as much as you’d think!). I think most of all, I want a happy heart. I don’t need a Corvette – haha! I don’t need a big house, expensive car, name brand clothing and shoes. I do need make-up and hairspray! haha!! (I had to throw that one in there!) I think I just need people the most. Genuine people; not someone who pretends to be someone they are not. People disappoint people. Heck, people disappoint themselves! That’s just the way things work. I sure know that first hand – I disappoint myself on a daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong – I am a strong, smart girl too! I have a heart – which means I do care! Above and beyond? Yes I will. Hurt when you hurt? Yep. Wanna fix your problems? If I could, I would for sure! Disappoint you? Unfortunately.
I think I just need to treat myself like I would treat someone else. Isn’t that sort of how it goes?! I let myself get hurt for others. For the majority of us, that’s what we do. So I know I am far from the exception. And those of you who feel like I do at times too, we are not alone. We might be a tad bit crazy, though! haha!! I joke! :)
I do have a very blessed life. I am so grateful for ALL of the people in my life. Some of you love me for who I am. Some of you challenge me. Some of you make me doubt myself at times. Some of you laugh at my silly jokes and pathetic come-backs. Some of you make me feel really good about myself. Some of you make it a point to let me know you don’t like me. Some of you have broken my heart. Some of you have my heart (and a lot of you don’t even realize it). Some of you brighten my day with just a smile, friendly hello, or a sweet message. Some of you I try to avoid. Some of you try to avoid me! haha! Some of you really know me. Some of you hardly know me. Some of you think you know me. Some of you I disappoint. Some of you disappoint me. Some of you I wish I could forget about. Some of you I wish wouldn’t forget about me.
It’s funny… just when I think I know myself; someone comes along and puts me through a whirlwind. It could be someone as silly as a stranger in a car that I’m sharing a road with. Or it can be someone near and dear to me. I know this is just God’s way of trying to get my attention. Shame on me for trying to ignore Him. Really, I don’t ignore Him – I know He’s there. And I’m SO glad He is!
I don’t always like me; but I do love the person God made me. So would I change anything? Nah, I guess not.
Hmm, my heart is a bit more calm then it was as I started this a few minutes ago. I guess writing out my junk helped with that. Putting my trust within my Lord and Savior is what calms my heart completely. He reminds me that I am here for a purpose; that He loves me unconditionally; and that He has great plans for me.
Until next time…. May God bless your eyes.